Bad Day

It was a pretty bad day. I felt very sad all day. It wasn't too much of an issue work wise, but it made dealing with one person that much more difficult. I think this is my test right now. In my past three jobs, counting this one, I have had a major issue with a non-natural born US citizen in each. It sounds terrible and xenophobic, but its like a language/cultural barrier.

So I guess first I have to figure out what all the issues are and then go from there.

I'm pretty tired so I'm going to crawl into bed now.

(I am looking forward to Saturday when we are going to try a new RPG: Spirit of the Century.)

Till tomorrow,

Amelia

Weight Watchers

Matthew and I went to Weight Watchers tonight. The leader was awesome. She was engaging and positive and quite knowledgeable. I left there feeling like I could really do weight watchers and be successful. So Matthew and I talked about our opinions and he brought up a great point. He asked me how much it was. And I said $13 a week. And he said what does that get you. And I went, "Holy crap, they weigh you." So you are paying $13 to get weighed.

There is more to it than that. There is the meeting which is not just information or inspirational but supportive. The leader is there as a resource so you can ask her questions. But really, you paying week after week for a support group and a weigh in.

Matthew suggested that we try using an online tool that includes a community or forum. I think it would be great if we could do it for free, but I'm afraid I'm too lazy. But we'll see.

I'm tired tonight so that is it.

Till tomorrow,

Amelia

Life, work, and a mental explosion

I have not talked about boardgames in general yet and my love of them. Yesterday I played D&D and I would like to write a session report for that. But, I feel that my blog is not so much a "game review" location, but an area for me to stay on top of my thoughts and feelings. That being said, I am going to talk about what I want to do with my life.

I don't know.

I thought that I wanted to be a Montessori teacher. I even made the smart move of being an assistant for a year before I decided if it was what I wanted to do. I decided that it was and went to graduate school and then moved here to Phoenix for a teaching job. But that hasn't worked out for me. I seem to get too frustrated with administration. I also get frustrated when the children don't do what I expect them too. For anyone with children, or that works with children, this sounds like an idiotic statement. But what I mean is, when I do everything that I was taught, and I observe and analyze and try five different things, they still do something other than what I expect; and frankly, other than what I desire.

Looking back on my short list of posts, tt seems that I have been posting about my experiences teaching a lot. I made the error of thinking that I was going to graduate school to learn what I would do for the rest of my life. I also made the error of falling in love with Montessori and trusting it completely. Life is not full of black and white absolutes and now I need to figure out how to resolve this. Hopefully writing about it will do this.

If you've been following my blog you might be thinking at this point, what does it matter, she's not even teaching anymore, she's an office manager. Exactly. Do I want to be an office manager? Will I be bored with the job once I have learned everything there is to know? Will I continue to make egregious errors and be let go? (I made a major error that inconvenienced several people on Friday.) Is this the best use of my abilities, skills, and talents? I don't have the answers to these questions.

The one thing that I am sure of is that I am doing something positive in my life. I grew up in a union home and am 100% behind them. Beyond that, the more that I learn about SEIU the more that I support it. So at least I know that I am making the world a better place.

And maybe that is enough right now.

Thanks for listening to this mental explosion. Have a good Sunday.

Till tomorrow,

Amelia

1/9/09 Friday Night Recap

Although I committed to blog everyday, I will not be able to do so on Friday. And that is because Friday night is completely devoted to boardgaming. I have not had a chance to delve into my hobby and love, and I am actually not going to do so here. Instead I am going to give a session review for last night.


Matthew and I arrived at the Gamer's Inn around 6:30. Some of the group (Dion, Charles, Nathan, Dan, Matt, and Noah) were playing Medici and others were simply chatting (Rob E. and Rob S.) They wrapped up quickly with win for Noah. Charles pulled out Mecanisburgo and Matthew, Nathan, Eric, and I joined him.

Meanwhile, Dion left and the rest of the group split for a Chik-fil-a run and No Thanks. Upon their return, they pulled out Battlestar Gallactica The Boardgame.

While we were still playing Mecanisburgo, the remainder of the group moved on to Smarty Party. Rob E. left and some new comers hanging out in the store joined them. We wrapped up Mechanisburgo (I won) and played a quick game of Liar's Dice. I was shocked that Nathan hadn't played yet! Eric pulled out the win on that.

Matthew and I left after Liar's Dice. I hope that everyone continued to have a good time.

A huge thank you to Matthew for teaching me some HTML in order to add the pictures and links in this post. (Clearly I have more finesse to learn in order for it to actually look good!) Also, thanks to BoardGameGeek for all the images and awesome info.

Till tomorrow,

Amelia

Workmares

To die, to sleep; To sleep: perchance to dream; ay, there's the rub; For in that sleep of death what dreams may come...

Indeed. What dreams may come. Today. Tonight. Tomorrow.

There seem to be many different viewpoints on dreams. They may be a way of our mind working things out from the day. They may be symbols for our lives and our futures. They may be nothing more than simple firings of neurons.

But whatever the case, dreams can be more real than the waking world. They can alter our moods and cause us to scream out loud.

I seem to be having somewhat frequent workmares. Obviously, they are nightmares about work. But there is a catch; it is not the job that I am currently working at. In fact, I don't believe that I dream about my job right now at all.

I dream about losing children. About being lost in the classroom. About being unhappy in the classroom. About being frustrated in the classroom. Hmmmm.....I think that I was lost, unhappy, and frustrated. But what do I do with it now? I have left that environment for the time being but clearly I have not resolved something. I believe that "something" is that I have failed at being a teacher.

When you lose confidence in yourself it is hard to see what positive skills you had. Especially since the end of teaching was so rocky for me. But there are some good things that I remember.

There is something joyous about a child coming up to you and talking to you. They have so much to share. And if you let them, they will tell you everything. I loved telling stories and looking around at enthralled faces. Or signing. Signing with children is so much fun. But I think the best part is when they teach you something. One day they may remind you how beautiful and miraculous the sprout of a new plant is. And the next, they remind you of your own patience. They always have a new perspective on something; a way that adults have forgotten to see. And love. They love and trust unconditionally. I need to remember that today in my new job in the business world. Love and trust everyone you work with. We are all working towards the same goals.

Now maybe my dreams can be populated with pleasant children and found memories. Maybe not. But what dreams may come...I am ready to work through.

Till tomorrow,

Amelia

Jiminy Crikey

Crickets. We have crickets in our house. Does that mean we have good luck? I think sometimes it means that it takes me longer to get to sleep. Matthew says that the cricket sounds are soothing. I think that he has just gotten used to it.

At first, just walking toward the kitchen would scare the cricket and it would stop chirping. Then, you had to get into the kitchen first before it would be quiet. Then, talk. And now, if you go jump up and down, clap, and yell, it still chirps. Could it possibly be the same one? They only live two to three months.... Matthew thinks that we have been breeding crickets that are less sensitive to human sounds.
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So, why would I write about a cricket? It is part of my life and I can not remove it. (It is in the drain pan of the refrigerator.) Therefore, I have to learn to live with it. And so I do. Is there really anything wrong with having a cricket chirping in your house?

No. The world is not ending. It does not affect my health or mental abilities. And according to some traditions, we have a little more luck in our day.

Till tomorrow,

Amelia

Blah

I was going to talk about crickets, and workmares, and life. But I just feel like crawling up in a ball in the bathtub with a mug of hot tea. (There should be nice hot water in the tub too.) But that is just too much work. So...I'm back to feeling blah.

Maybe it is because I had too much to do at work today and I didn't get it all done. Maybe it is because there is one person at work that I have conflict with. The sunny side of that is it is ONLY one person. :-) It could be medicine, or that I should get my period this week or that I changed my birth control. And let's just not even bother getting into the ongoing stress of money and do I actually have a job or not.

There seem to be too many factors in why we feel the way that we do. No wonder it can be difficult narrowing down what areas of life that need to be ironed out.

Till tomorrow,

Amelia

Racing, in bed

For a long time I have had trouble sleeping. Or more specifically, I have had trouble waking up. I feel exhausted in the morning. I have no desire to get out of bed. Doctors and I have attributed this to many things: sleep apnea, depression, anxiety, and too much caffeine. But last night I had a breakthrough.

Last night, I went to bed around 10:30. But all I did was toss and turn. It was like my brain would not turn off. Finally, at 5:30 this morning I reconciled myself to the fact that I was not getting any sleep.

But this is actually a breakthrough for me. For most of my adult life I have had episodes of similar sleep patterns. Sometimes it is hard to fall asleep, sometimes it feels like I haven't slept at all, and sometimes I wake up and can't go back to sleep. But the one characteristic to all of these situations is "racing thoughts."

It's as if my brain takes over. The words and thoughts just keep coming, and not in any logic train of thought. And no matter how many times I try to relax, focus on my breath, or think about sleeping, before I know it I'm right back where I started.

But now I can say, ah, I'm having racing thoughts. Now I just need to work on slowing them down.

Till tomorrow,

Amelia

Resolutions

I personally do not believe in New Year's Resolutions. I do not like that they are created on a specific date once a year; a resolution should be created whenever the need or desire arises. Also, I feel that many resolutions are created with no plan behind them. The motivation begins to slip, and instead of having accomplished something, there is failure. I expressed these thoughts to Matthew, my boyfriend, and he had an interesting and alternative viewpoint. He noted that there is something positive about a group of people reviewing their lives and attempting to improve them. So, now I have one New Year's Resolution this year: journal everyday.

For many years I have wanted to get back in touch with old friends or improve my communication with distant friends. Between Facebook and this blog I hope that I can achieve that. (So now I have two resolutions?)

Depending on when was the last time that you were in touch with me you may have no clue which direction my life has taken. I'll try to give a brief outline of my life since high school.

I graduated from GlenOak High School in Canton, OH in '97. I attended the The Ohio State University in Columbus from '97 to '01 when I graduated with a BA in Japanese Language. It was a very formative period in my life. There are many things about those four years that I still need to examine.

After college, I was pretty lost. In '02 I returned to Canton, OH and went through many jobs and got married in '04. And then divorced in '05.

Still unhappy and lost, I thought really hard about my life and what I wanted to do with it. After reading several books and speaking with many people, I decided that I wanted to be a Montessori teacher. About a month later I moved to Ithaca, NY and became an Assistant Primary Teacher at Ithaca Montessori School.

I loved Ithaca and I loved Montessori. Being with children all day is a joy. Seeing them learn and grow. Seeing them work through a problem. All of these things are miracles in my eyes.

Another wonderful thing happened during this year. I met Richard Robbins whom I fell deeply in love with. He is a very intelligent man who enjoys life but also wants to better it. He taught me to enjoy music, movies, and video games. He also taught me again that it is okay to be smart.

Ithaca itself was phenomenal. It is a very liberal town with the highest percentage of PHDs in the country. It is easy to be vegan; it is easy to be different. It was there that I learned about euro or designer board games.

Realizing that I loved Montessori, and due to my desire to be in school, I packed up again in the spring of '06, left Richard, and moved to Columbia, MD to attend Washington Montessori Institute and Loyola College. It was an intense experience. I learned a lot about myself and obviously Montessori. Being apart from Richard was difficult and our relationship was strained by the distance; he was now in New York City.

Always the adventurer, after completing my program, I accepted a job in Phoenix, AZ. Unfortunately, the school was not a fit for me and I left at the end of the first half of the year. In the spring of '08 I also ended my relationship with Richard. However, something positive occurred in moving here.

First of all there is so much sunshine in Phoenix. Having grown up in Northeastern Ohio, it is a joy to see the sun almost everyday.

Also, I became more involved in boardgaming. Wanting to meet people, and knowing that I liked playing games, I attended an event of the AZ Boardgamers. I have met many people that I now consider friends and even family.

I also met my current boyfriend there. We started dating in May 2008 and we are now living together. I am very happily in love with him. He too is teaching me things; most importantly to enjoy life.

As for Montessori, after I left the first school, I started working at another school in Ahwatukee (Phoenix) called Keystone Montessori School. I was surrounded by professionals truly interested in children and Montessori. However, this fall, 2008, I needed to leave the school for personal reasons. I do not know how Montessori will fit into my life in the future. But I do not regret my time with it for the past three years.

I am now functioning as an Office Manager for a labor union, SEIU, through a temporary agency. We are doing really exciting things in Arizona and I am very proud to be a part of it.

Returning to resolutions, I stated earlier that I feel that one reason people do not achieve their goals is because they do not have a plan. Therefore, I had better create a plan. My plan is to put five minutes aside every evening to update my blog post. Let's see how I do. You can hold me accountable.

Till tomorrow,

Amelia